I had just gotten out of a two year relationship with the first girl I can say I truly loved. I was heartbroken and upset. Living in a small town, the gene pool was pretty incestuous, as in, many cats were helmet buddies by their mid twenties. I got in touch with a girl, who I knew would be a sure shot. My pad at the time, was a panty dropping studio on the top of a garage, on top of a mountain, overlooking the valley where I lived. It also had a big ass porch. It was great, isolated, and comfortable. She agreed to come up to “hang out.” The night progressed swimmingly, we had tea, then some jagermeister and goat cheese. It ended in drunken licentious fornication. Cool, I now had a fuck buddy and could take my mind off my broken heart.
Fast forward a few months I had checked myself into a 28 day rehab program and was waiting on turning myself in for a 150 day stint at the County clink. I ran into homegirl a day or two out of rehab, and we decided to stay clean together. We ended up being monogamous together after a few months and before my turn in date. I was released in the day to go to work, and spent my nights in jail. She’d pick me up and drop me off. She also said she had thing for me being in a jumpsuit. I don’t know, chicks are strange sometimes. Even though we didn’t see other people, we’d often get propositioned by other females to have threesomes, or just let them watch us fuck. She would tell me I could fool around with these chicks if I wanted, but being the die hard serial monogamist that I was, it just wasn’t in the cards. But it was a nice change from my previous relationship, where my then gf, would berate me for even looking at other women.
I’m not sure exactly when, but the current gal brought up polyamory. I was interested, as our relationship wasn’t exactly traditional. The reasons of which, I am going to leave out because they’re not important. This is where my journey began.
Scarcity and Abundance
All this occurred long before I was introduced to the sphere. However, looking back, it was my first introduction to one of the pillars of this mentality. I had to do my research into this style of relationship, so I read books, participated in forums and asked a lot of questions. It also required a ton of soul searching. What really struck a tone with me was the argument the poly community raised about love. They claimed that monogamy was entrenched in the believe that love is a finite resource, a scarcity complex if you will. The polys believe in abundance, meaning, that one can be in love with multiple partners without taking away from any of the relationships. That made a lot of sense to me, because after all, I loved my family, my dog, and a few friends, why couldn’t I love more women and be intimately involved?
That was probably the easiest concept to digest, and one I still maintain to this day. Though I haven’t been involved in a committed relationship for a few years, and most girls don’t try to push the commitment aspect because I’m very clear from the beginning.
This was the hardest thing for me to work through. I had been taught to be jealous by my previous girl, through basically, osmosis. Thus, I had to walk through miles and miles of uncomfortable emotion on a daily basis in order to get comfortable with this new relationship style. Now, surely not all will agree with me, but one way I was able to rationalize a “just live in the moment” kind of mentality was to tell myself that “jealousy is want for something I don’t own.” It also required a large amount of trust and communication.
We weren’t allowed to just go out and fuck other people. The premise of opening our relationship was to cultivate meaningful, intimate relationships with like minded people, that as individuals, we found attractive. Thus, there were many late night talks about feelings and things we were struggling with. There were also rules. The breakage of one of those rules was why I ended that relationship but I feel that it’s good to report on this, because it’s a little different from having a harem.
There were many plus sides to putting myself through those struggles to overcome emotion. I no longer have a jealous bone in my body. If a girl wants to walk, she can go right ahead. If she wants to find someone who will commit and relationship up, then she’s free to do so, and I wish her the best. This is also an effect of abundance, to the point that I do not fear being alone and never meeting another girl. It’s just not in the cards.
One major plus side of doing this with someone I was already in love with, is we achieved a level of intimacy and trust that I have not yet been able to recreate. I know this girl down to the fibers of her soul, and she had a pretty good look into mine as well. It was trying at times, and at others, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve experienced. I did feel a little strange explaining it to people, due to the social stigma of my girl sleeping with another guy. It didn’t seem to bother folks that I was sleeping with other girls, but they looked at her “infidelity” as a red flag, and a weakness of my own.
To each their own. It’s not a style that is for everyone, but as a hopeless romantic, and one who would prefer a tight relationship with someone I truly enjoy, it met many of the needs I have, and more. If you have any questions, feel free to drop them in the comment box or hit me up on Twitter.