Hello, Don’t be Afraid

Well, what do we know?  Today (well yesterday) is a big dick day.  The kind of day I just want to walk about with my man meat on display for the whole world to see.  Let them all gasp in awe of it’s mighty pulsating tumescence. With my head held high, a bit of swagger in my step and my  penile mastodon bouncing jovially between the tree trunks that are my legs, I am now beginning my second year of this blogging shit.  That’s right, one year ago, I looked in the mirror and decided I needed change (can you spare a quarter?) and that I was going to talk about it some on here.  My actual words, and I’m pretty sure I said them out loud, were “I am so fucking tired of being a fat fuck.”  True goddamn story.

However, this is not a fitness blog.  I know that a year ago, the thought of running a 5k was a terrifying thought, so blog posts on that sort of thing were necessary in documenting my progress.  This past April I ran my third 5k mud run.  This one was called Mud Factor.  Everyone bailed at the last minute, and I ended up running alone.  That was fine, but it’s quite entertaining to watch a buddy fall into a mudpit, so I did miss it.  At any rate, this run was, by far, the most organized and well designed course.  The obstacles were challenging too, not solely due to a back and chest workout I had completed the evening prior.  I found that the height of the obstacles were intimidating.  There were a few 15 foot wooden pyramids to climb with an intimidating gap between inclines.  Climbing on a 2×4, 15 feet above the ground, with shoes caked in slippery mud, is quite a breathtaking experience. Though the feeling of accomplishment was great that morning, I didn’t feel the need for an exclusive post on it.  It just didn’t seem like there was much to report.  I ran, climbed, sweat like a pig, got filthy, gasped for air, over came some minor fears, and had a  metric ass ton of fun.  The end.

I’m continuing to hit the gym on a regular basis.  As an on going experiment, I force myself to go even when I don’t want to.  Even on days when my body and mind are in full agreement that a night of booze would be more fulfilling.  I know that equals a falsehood and it’s always by the end of my first set, that I get that head change I so desperately need.  Even anger directed at my job, or whatever, seems to dissipate and leave my thoughts after a good workout.  Considering that, about a year ago, I stopped taking a cocktail of psychotropic prescription drugs that were given to me to address self deprecating mental habits and thought patterns,  I seem to be doing something right.  I truly believe that my previous DSM IV diagnoses were due to poor diet and a lack of adequate exercise.

One of the things that has aided me in this new direction is an acceptance of myself. Even though I was quite the delinquent in the past, deep down I was a people pleaser.  I could never live up to the expectations of my family or the people around me.  This would eat me up.  It started long long ago as a young kid and lasted into early adulthood.  I still catch myself wondering what another person thinks of me, then I remind myself, that it doesn’t fucking matter.  That’s part of the tragic beauty about this technological age; even by being able to connect to some degree with people through a variety of platforms, one is still essentially alone.  That feeling is multiplied when my time is being spent with someone who I don’t really want to be around, but do subject myself to it, for the sole means of getting off.  It’s much easier to just be alone.


Which brings me to something I realized recently.  I’m not afraid of a relationship, however, I am unwilling to expose my own vulnerabilities and emotions to someone I do not trust, and I do not trust easily.  This seems to be a huge roadblock in the romances I have had this past year.  To me, it feels like each of these girls, even though they didn’t say it verbatim, were on a fast track to trying to tie me down.  A cornered dog is not a friendly encounter.

Thus, for the future, I plan on continuing my road to fitness.  I will continue to make healthy food choices.  Music making, fishing, reading, biking, and skateboarding, will be my go to activities.  I will maintain this blog, and attempt to post more often.  I have a ton of stuff sitting in draft form, but that is my curse.  It’s the follow through that matters, and I get so distracted by the new songs I am writing, shit with work, social life, etc. that I don’t finish a draft, and then all of a sudden, it’s a month later and the material is out of date.  Like my review of the new Die Hard, which I never posted.  Maybe I will.  However, don’t see it.  It’s crap.  At any rate, it sounds like a good focus to follow through and complete my tasks, to break the habit of having multiple unfinished projects going on at the same time.  However,  it’s baby steps that are needed; finish rhythm guitars, refine the drum track to accent the melody hits, review the vocal melody, back up vox for the chorus, add organ, complete the mixing, export it.  Just like going to the gym.

Organization has never been my forte.  That comes with the OCD tendencies of being a music writer.  Something gets lodged between the walls of my skull and that is all I can think about, until the next thing gets stuck there.  I’m not narrow minded, I just have a singular focus and a short attention span.  To remedy that part of my thinking, I have been practicing meditation.  I haven’t talked about that here, but I might in the future, especially if there is some interest in it.  Anyhow, thank you to everyone who has read my stuff over the past year, I look forward to interacting with you all in the future.





2 thoughts on “Hello, Don’t be Afraid

  1. “Organization has never been my forte. That comes with the OCD tendencies of being a music writer. Something gets lodged between the walls of my skull and that is all I can think about, until the next thing gets stuck there. “

    I’m the exact same way.

    I’ll have to try your methods, myself.

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