I was working today. I barely made it to work on time. They have a new system of rounding times so it essentially allows one to clock in 7 minutes prior or ahead of their actual time. It’s a fuck you sort of practice. Clock in 7 minutes early, and 7 minutes late, and you gave these miserly cunts an extra quarter of an hour. The new dietitian calls me. She’s got a gobbler on her neck like a turkey. She likes salads. I talked to her yesterday and mentioned I like to cook. She makes colorful salads. Her salads are not helping her turkey like appearance. I wouldn’t take diet advice from someone looking like that, and I am sure no one would take diet advice from me either if it was the first time they met me.
I remember reading something (I think it was on twitter, you know, because that is where hard truth’s are dispensed. In 140 characters or less,) that talked about HR rep’s discriminating against “attractive” people. The last few hires at my place of employment are borderline troglodyte and AARP members. I mean, really. I don’t need to be fellated at my desk by by the Ghost of Scarlett Johanson’s secretarial past, I wouldn’t be mad at it, but I wouldn’t mind seeing a decent ass walk by, bounce side to side and make it’s way somewhere. It does’t have to sit on my face, or do any other sort of thing, I just want something nice to look at. Instead we’re left with the 6 last hires, who are all the kryptonite of boners. Except for the lizard who really isn’t a nurse, but is called a nurse. She’s could be kryptonite to boners, if you listened to what she says, but I have an impeccable noise filter. Huh? She was probably pretty darn good looking before she progressed to where she is today. I want to pull her hair. She’s older but I’m a dog and dogs don’t give a shit most of the time. NO fatties. I want to be the fattest in the bedroom. At any rate, she has skin like a leather jacket left out in the summer sun for days on end and a voice like a fairy on a helium bender. She’s pretty crunchy as well.
Crunchy: A term to identify levels of commitment to bullshit such as only shopping at the co-op, buying organic, most of the time vegetarian, really fucking inspired by eastern religion, wearing flowing pants. Pants like the pastel river of Ganges, Mutherfucking hemposity in a blouse. More than likely or possibly owning some sort of soap made out of patchouli. Rides a bike EVERYWHERE, Loves the fuck out of Quinoa*. This term came into use to break up the dichotomies from patchouli-funk hippie to psuedo stoner hippie, etc. Full granola, to stale crunch.
Anyway, chick is crunchy. She’s not full granola, but she’s got some crunch. She’s not my former somewhat sometimes stinky, armpit hair having, LGBT advocating, super lesbian office mate crunchy, but she’s got some crunch. She’s got small lips too. You know, like pencil thin lines of lips. Lips not made for kissing. You want giant flesh pillows of lips to kiss on. It’s a projection though, I don’t have full lips either, though I fancy myself an astute kisser. Not ass kisser, I just mean those little things you do to get those panties off quicker without having to take them off yourself. In any event, I would like our crunchy nurse to fellate me in my office or hers, or whatever. I’m ok with that.
The last 6 hires here have been overweight to obese, old, or a combination of both. In fact, since this new cunt HR manager came on the job, all our hires have been full trog. Not a single attractive person, both male or female have been hired. We’re becoming a place where ugly people come to work. Fucking jumping jackflash jesus, I am an ugly person working at the place for ugly persons to work. Nah fuck that, I have pizazz. Actually, I don’t but I’m witty as a cancer cell and I’ll help you smoke your cigs to get there. HR hates pretty things. She’s a ghetto bitch too. Her life consists of some pathetic fucking male, who I assume never fucks her and if he does, his half erect phallus spews it’s dry cough of a money load on her belly rolls approximately two times a month, two pitbulls and three cats. I actually assumed she has cats because I bet she gets some sad satisfaction being a fucking GIGANTIC rodent and ruling over cats. I’m not talking ROUS’. I’m talking full blown, that one super fat rat from Cinderella with a sex change and a whole lot of greasy fries. A guy here got written up for sexual harassment by this HR cunt for telling a co-worker/friend of his that her eyes look pretty today. This guy had no sexual intent. The compliment receiver knew it, he knew it, but HR troglocunt heard him say it and now it’s on his permanent employment record. The chick he said it to didn’t even file the complaint.
*Please note, bike riding is a fun and invigorating practice. I love riding a bike, I also dig on Quinoa, however, I do not feel the need to plug that into every conversation I have. Just saying.