Last month when reliving my experience with false rape accusations, I mentioned I would be coming out with a work rant in the near future. I, of course, did want to keep all of you waiting. So, without further ado, in the first in what will probably become a series, I present, a the day of the all staff and a few other insights.
At the beginning of each month everyone at my place of employment congregates together for a wasted three hours of sitting and trying to stay awake. Of course I had to drink half a fifth of Wild Turkey 101 the night before so I am especially longing for some covers and a pillow, but the complimentary coffee has to suffice my fatigue. It’s the epitome of inefficiency. A pathetic and ineffective way to give “trainings, “team building” and to drop some vague knowledge about the future of our programs. I don’t work for a huge corporation. We only have around 56 employees. We can all fit in a room suitable for a rest-home eating area, which sometimes has a smell similar to a moth ball filled room, except for the smell is sage. We burn it for it’s spiritual properties.
Spare anything green bro?
NOT FUCKING SAGE
This meeting is crap, if you haven’t already gotten that picture. This week we learned about bed bugs and scabies. The last time I remember even thinking about those critters was when I had just gotten out of jail after a short 40 day stint. I was itchy for some reason and my brain on overdrive decided it was scabies so I covered myself in that soap that kills that shit, froze my clothes, and sauntered to my then girlfriends place. She started working her sexy Greek mojo, but after licking my neck and tasting the toxic bug killing shit, she decided to just blow me. That’s love, a kneeling blow job to your previously incarcerated boyfriend who is covered in scabies destroying lotion immediately after his release from county jail. It didn’t last.
I got hired at this joint due to having around five years of experience in two fields that are the backbone and funding of this joint. I was hired by my “friend.” He’s not really my friend, he’s afraid of human resources and a pussy whooped monogamist* who would rather be an old man than grapple with some living. In fact, we USED to play some music together. When I mentioned something about us playing he mentioned his busy schedule and his maintenance of his relationship. It’s like when a chick wants to fuck you, she will make sure it happens. If a dude wants to make some shit happen, like playing in a fucking band, he will make it happen, not make bullshit excuses. Ugh, I digress again.
Instead of having me work in an area that I have a ton of experience in, my “friend” decided to have me focus on an area that I only scratched the surface of prior to my arrival in this here city. It’s a position I have to push myself to learn about, but gives me no advances in my workplace and it’s fairly useless due to our outdated technology. The times I questioned my lack of involvement in the areas of our business that I have tangible skills and experience, homeboy said, “it would take years to train you up, so I just gave the position to Corky because he knows some of it already.” My boy (We’ll call him Quarto) was here a year prior to my arrival. Years my fucking asshole. Our CEO announces how much farther ahead of the other window licking retard clinics in our field we are, technologically speaking, and the reason for such advances is Quarto and his diligence. Congrats bro, glad I jumped on this shit-liner with you.**
The host of this round tabled snooze fest is an obese human resources chick. Her mouse-like features, squinting eyes, cheeks puffed out like a squirrel carting acorns in it’s mouth back to a winter hibernation zone, jiggles in front of the half aware crowd un-enthusiastically recalling some bullshit she’s supposed to explain. She rattles through our new hires, even the ones that don’t start until next month. Lay offs have occurred, but we are still hiring.
Each month there is an award given to an employee, by popular vote, designating them as “Employee of the Month.” This vote is done by printing out a nomination form and dropping it into a locked metal box. The award is usually given to a person in one of our three main departments, but mostly our Medical or Dental department. This is because they all confer and decide who should get the award next. You cannot win the award twice in a year. The benefits of said title are a dedicated parking spot, a frame-able certificate, and a paid day off. That day off is the creamy white frosting on the inside of this here scam.
I have never won this shamble of a popularity contest. The reasons behind my lack of success are unknown to me, but having been here quite a while, I decided to take action into my own hands the day the opportunity knocked. Since I am reasonably liked around these parts, when a young female employee approached me to do something for her that wasn’t work related, I agreed, but only on my terms. She was to get her department (the largest here) to vote for me in the EotM. She did, dropped 17 votes in the box. I confirmed her submissions as she had shown them to me. Come time for the great reveal, the prestigious title went to someone connected with Medical. There aren’t enough employees in those parts to surpass my vote count, but I think I lost in the electoral college, meaning, that fucking mouse faced obese cunt who runs HR.
HR on Lunch Break.
Never trust a fat person, and never trust a fat person with a face like a chunky rat.
I rigged this goddamn election and lost. I will never be a dictator.
Anyhow, to top off this monstrosity of inefficiency, a retirement guru gets up in front of us to sell us his investment strategies and suggest we start saving for our future. Save for your future people, I do not disagree with this. However, dude gave shitty advice and was just selling his company, which is pretty much what every third party who gives presentations at these meetings does and I hate solicitors, especially those who knock on my door at home, or bug me at work. Man I sound like a jaded motherfucker.
*I have nothing against monogamy. However the dependency I witness in some people is baffling. Grown ass men who cannot handle being alone for more than a week. And by be alone, I mean, not be in a committed relationship.
**I know you’re thinking, well get a different job you whiny cunt. I think the same thing, however the job market is tighter than a virgin asshole right now and there’s nothing available in my field around here that is better than my current gig. Thus, I am looking into alternative forms of employment. Also, I am damn grateful to have a job that affords me a comfortable living, where I can sleep in a warm bed, feed myself and my dog, and go fishing. It’s fucking sturgeon season right now so I’m dinosaur hunting.
So tasty. So elusive.