I was going to use this short break from work to get caught up on some posts I have pending, but during my latest drunken antics, I spilled bourbon on my keyboard and have to replace it. Replace the keyboard that is. Easy enough, and it will be coming in a slick black color. Without further ado, a brief tale of getting filthy.
Fall had just started to break and the mornings were cold. I headed out toward Sloughhouse to get my run on with my female CEO. She’s a tough chick so when I told her I was doing this 5k she was all in. However it should be mentioned that she is crazier than I am; she ran a 21 mile race the next day. We get out to the race, number up and get ready to take off. The event was extremely well organized a far cry from the previouszombie run I participated in. The number of people participating was also much lower than the zombie run, with only 50 people running in a heat. Heats were broken up by one hour increments and there was even a kid run.
The race began and I took off with B at a nice jog. We went about a quarter mile before arriving at the first obstacle, which was a mud pit. Trudging through the pit we came up on the next obstacle: log and a six inch diameter pvc pipe over a creek bed. This was tricky because our shoes were muddy from the recent pit. There were two crossings so for the first one we slowly side stepped across the log, which was about a foot in diameter. The runners were bunching up here as everyone was trying to cross on the log so B goaded me into crossing the pvc pipe. I went really slow, but made it across, it felt great.
We came up on another mud pit with high and slow pipes across it. We were instructed to go over and under. Next was a rope swing over a mud pit, then a traverse across some monkey bars. The push ups I had been doing really paid off as I was able to complete the entire set. A man instructed us to “jump” at the next mud pit. B, who is a little taller than me, jumped and ended up with mud up to her neck. I stepped gingerly into the pit and we moved forward. Another mudpit, and a high wall, and we ended up at a soapy slide. This was major fun as I took a running jump and slid the entire way down to the mud.
A few mudpits later, we had to pick up and pumpkin and run with it for about a quarter mile. There were a few more obstacles and we were finished, took a great victory picture, showered it off, and went home feeling fulfilled having accomplished more before 10am than most folk will accomplish in a day.
The saga of Rebirtha
While I was crawling on my belly in the middle of the race underneath some low placed rope, there were two younger runners in front me. They were on their hands and knees not on their belly so they were catching the rope on their things and thangs. One of the ropes caught on the guy in front and snapped back with such speed, that bits of mud flew into my mouth. (Note to self: Keep mouth shut during mud run.) I didn’t think much of it, until about two days later.
Tuesday morning: I wake up, put on my duds, comb out my fro and head on down to work. It was a big day as the new dental system we were implementing went live and there were still some bugs to sort out. Around 9am I start peeing out of my butt. I’m on the toilet about every 35-40 minutes for another round of chocolate waterfalls. It’s terrible. I was out to lunch in my head, because my head was in my leaky ass. I couldn’t answer questions and was just all around miserable. My boss cut me loose after I mentioned my circumstances. I spent the next day and a half on my couch and toilet. Awesome. I started drinking kefir for it’s probiotics and lustfully awaited the day I would have a solid movement again.
Thursday morning: I’m back at work, carefully moving through the day. I finally feel the green light from my asshole that says, “it’s time for the 2lbduke my friend.” I book it to the bathroom, drop trow, and proceed to have the most earth shattering movement. I felt like a kid again. I got up and observed what I had created and dubbed it “Rebirtha.” My pants were a bit looser and I felt about 10 pounds lighter. With a shit eating grin of accomplishment I strutted out of the bathroom to be greeted by merely TWENTY of my co-workers getting a safety tour from our facilities manager. WTF? How long had they been out there? Could they here me cheering myself on? Did they hear me naming my duke? It was quite embarrassing, but it didn’t slow my pride or stride. I made that, hear me roar.
That aside, I put two and two together and realized that I had giardia. So after two days of rapid fire anal leakage, and one solid bowel movement, I then had a week of “I’m on a cheese only diet and don’t drink water so I’m more plugged than a freaking reservoir.” This all might be TMI but I tell you this, so if you my read, are going to go run a mud run, do yourself a favor and keep that trap shut. That way you will not end up like this guy and have ass issues for days. That shit should be reserved for old age.