Not Entirely Sure

This might be a bit of TMI but I am going to put it out there.  In late June, early July of this year, I felt like I had an ear infection in my right ear.  I went to my friends in the medical lab and had a homegirl peak in my ear. I had a huge ball of wax stuck to the ear drum.  They lubricated and later popped that bad boy out.  It was pretty gnarly, but felt amazing.  I thought I was out of the woods, but a few days later the same sensation occurred.

I decided to hit my doctor up.  She wasn’t available and I ended up seeing a different guy.  He said that my right ear looked fine, was not infected, but that my left ear was a little red.  He gave me antibiotics with a bit of anti inflammatory in it.  I used it, the cooling sensation felt nice, but it did little to the symptoms I was experiencing.

About 4 years ago, I was trying to take a nap in my bed.  I was about 1.5 years sober after a brutal series of events lead me to shun all mind altering substances.  I was dreaming, and in my dream I was sleeping.  At one point I was pulled out of my dream by some gnarly, dark hands, that had long fingernails.  When I mean long, I mean long and curved.  One hand extended it’s right pointer fingernail in my left nostril and up into my brain.  I was struck with a searing pain in my left front lobe.  In my dream, I screamed and when I screamed, the other entity accosting me, jumped into me through my throat.  I inhaled him.   I jerked awake, startled, with the left side of my head screaming in my, a sharp line, exactly how the creature had poked me.  I was also almost 180 degrees from where I first gone to sleep.  I told a couple people, and they just thought I was dreaming.

I forgot about it for years, until about a month ago.  The sensation in my ear is a warm pressure of sorts.  It doesn’t itch, but it is maddening.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it’s gone.  It keeps me up at night on occasion and recently I have noticed it moving into my left ear, where I am getting similar sensations.

The one thing I noticed about it that really threw me for a loop is that it seems to get more intense when dealing with somewhat dark things that leave an emotional dissonance in someone.  It goes off when something is being said that is uncomfortable for either the person delivering or receiving, but only the most hardcore things.  I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it’s as if I have some kind of demon in my head and it dances and jumps when I gets excited about something.  Koanic suggested that I find a strong priest.  I asked my resident religious cat Mr. Jean and he said that I need to invite the Lord in and I would find my way, but that I doesn’t happen over night.

I don’t know where I am at with it, but I do want it to change.  I am just not sure of the process.  I mean, what if I am losing my shit and it’s really some bullshit in my inner ear that someone with a microscopic lens can’t see because of the ear drum, while I spin my wheels thinking it is something much bigger than a normal biological explanation.  Sometimes I wonder…

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2 thoughts on “Not Entirely Sure

  1. Pingback: The Carousel and the Imminent Wall | Rojobag

  2. Pingback: Me vs. My Throat: Chokedown Showdown | Rojobag

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