If she doesn’t get you, you’re in for trouble

I spent the weekend fishing and hiking up in the Sierras with my folks, god bless them.  They’re good people and did their best at bringing me up. That aside, my Mom is always asking when I’m going to meet a nice girl, if I’ve met someone, etc.  They know inherently that I won’t ever settle down, it’s never been in my nature.  I’ve tried.  We had a long conversation about Dating 2.0 (hat tip: PrivateMan), the few LTR’s I have been in, and their own marriage.  They have been married over thirty years.  They are also a key example of what I hope to illustrate in this post.

I’m not sure how it began, I think something along the lines of being questioned about the last girl I was seeing.  Anyhow, I began in on how I recognized what ultimately lead to the disintegration of two LTR’s I was involved in.  These were two, two year relationships.  In the first one, I was dumped, in the second one, I did the dumping.  The thing is though, they started off great.  However, by the second year and about half way through things fell apart.  I saw the reason behind this as the girls who I was involved with, didn’t take me for me.  They wanted to change me, they didn’t like my hobbies, and they actively criticized me for them.  It effected me in the way, I didn’t write music, and I was unhappy.  However, with the scarcity complex I had developed, I didn’t shed myself of the deafening drone of discontent that resonated between us.  Also, I had gone to base my happiness and contentment on the status of the relationship I was in.  When the girl was upset, or mad at me, it effected me to the point where I was no fun to be around.  Talk about pedestalizing.  Instead of putting myself first, my family first, I put her first.  Which ultimately resulted in the girl losing sexual interest in me due to her instinctual loathing of supplicating betatude.

I used my folks as examples to get them to feel my point.  My Mom is a firecracker.  She’s Italian, and thus very stubborn.  My Pops however, is laid back.  They are quite opposite in those aspects.  When my Mom is on a rampage, it never breaks my Pops frame.  He’s often commented to me in passing “Your Mom is pissed at me, I don’t know why.”  But he doesn’t try to appease her, he lets her steam it out, and she always comes back around.  I asked them about their initial courtship.  My Pops listed my Moms beauty as his factor is asking her out.  She accepted because she liked his personality.  He was bold, funny, and charming.  Moms had a major bitch shield though and on a first Halloween when my Pops was trying to go to her apartment she told her, “What do you think you’re doing, you’re not coming in.”  He said, “Ok.” turned and left.  Radio silence for 3 days or something.  She then went back to him saying she had made a mistake, the rest is history.

My Pops never let himself get rattled by my Mom’s tests, or indignation.  He just rolled with it because he’s one cool cat.  If I had half the insight into how they were with each other when I first started dating, I would have been a lot better off, but I had been trained to put the woman first.  I remember not understanding why my Pops wasn’t doing certain things, like trying to get on her good side.  The reason was, He was always on her good side because he didn’t break his frame.  It’s his world and she gets to walk through with him.  Pretty cool insight for me at least.

I think back to somethings that my Pops had done:

A christmas or birthday card to my Mom with a poem on it, that ended with the lines “So now that you’ve read this, I want you to know, that now and until forever, you’ll always be my ho”  Which she gleefully read aloud to us kids, and couldn’t believe that he wrote that.

Getting wicked drunk the night before mothers day and going Salmon fishing the next morning.

I remember we made mudslides on a holiday and my mom was getting wasted, and she asked for another, one of us said “I don’t think you should have another.”  My Pops goes “DON’T YOU EVER DENY YOUR MOTHER A DRINK.”

My brothers bachelor party, he was legend.  Everyone was getting shitfaced, and were well into that territory.  The strippers had come and gone, and right after they left, my brothers friend is saying to me, “you know you’re dad is a bad ass.”  He slurs out from the other side of the room, “LETS START DRINKING.”  It was hilarious.

In fact, now that I think about it, we’ve gone fishing on many Mother’s day mornings.

Anyhow, this ended up being quite disorganized and my thoughts ramble, but I hope you can pull something out of it.  The conversation was a week ago and I had hoped to make a few more points, but this is all I got.

Blue Pill Poem

Found this in an old folder from about 5 years ago, this is what I am not doing anymore.  I do recall this day, it is pretty vivid in my memory as I think I was in a rough spot at the time mentally and I recall being on this bench in the middle of winter.  All my lack of movement and hesitation was instilled in a lack of confidence.  I had been dumped a month or so prior  after a 2+ year stretch, I was on and off meds throughout those years so I considered myself mentally unstable.  I was not comfortable with myself and inside my head bounced thoughts of self doubt to self hate in rapid succession.  I couldn’t even bring myself to say “hi” to this girl even though she was showing she was open to it.  Lesson learned.

“Tea Time”

Out of my head and into my mouth
Invisible muzzle and straight jacket

locking my appendages and my heart
in the grips of insanity

Pinning myself to the dark
during the brightest day

with the cold wind blowing
through the bustling street.

And all I can do
though I want to do so much more

Is try to smile

as she walks by
and smiles at me again.

As I stare at my feet
and smoke a cigarette

between sips of coffee.