“I was driving across the valley floor, going past a scene of gore, something that had ended here ,then I stopped in at a porno store. And I found among the pictures there a vision that was very fair. Just a moment from yesteryear.” – Frank Black and the Catholics “All my ghosts”
I used to have a challenge figuring out why to get out of bed. Some weekends I would sleep for 36 hours or so. That’s not a problem anymore. One of the things I realized, and that has occurred to me throughout the years, but had never embraced, is that I am the master of my domain and I get to decide what changes and what remains.
With all the weight I gained, I developed sleep apnea. My sleep was so poor I was getting only about 45 minutes to an hour of deep sleep a night. There was no energy in me at anytime. I would fall asleep at my desk at work on a daily basis. It was terrible. No exercise, barely any energy, I had become sloth. I truly wanted to do something else, I just couldn’t seem to manage a regular exercise schedule due to fatigue, and frankly a lack of will. All that changed when I got a machine that keeps a continuous flow of air that keeps soft tissues in my skull from collapsing my air passage. Instead of falling asleep when I come home for work, I have energy through the entire day. I hated sleep, but now I get up and work out. I run with my dog 3 days a week. I take long bike rides (did 30 miles last Saturday.) Nothing is going to change my physical state for me, and I want to feel good about how I look, thus I have to continue to push myself to be active and eat right.
Self honesty was another factor. “You’re that guy, who let himself go. You quit before you even began.” That’s one of the many self hating thoughts that would run through my head on the regular. I would lie to myself about everything really. Especially my dry spell. I have a dark past, but that didn’t mean I was celibate. My notch count is high compared to the average guy.
However I was pushing a nine months of unwanted celibacy until March 30th this year. One of my longest spells yet. I hooked with a 26 year old college chick for around a month. but she bugged the shit out of me and it really wasn’t worth the effort. Short hair, not workin here. She had a major entitlement complex, it’s common it seems.